


fuck integrity

by wildforwyld



Series: the ahn jaewon angst/whump channel [3]
Category: Lost in Translation (Webcomic)
Genre: Cussing, Whump, angry jaewon, i guess, jaewon curses, kind of, minsoo being kind of an ass, not so supportive MAYHEM, written within two hours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,418
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26005717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wildforwyld/pseuds/wildforwyld
Summary: They never knew anything, so why should they be able to curse me? Why should they be able to talk to me as if I had done something wrong?
Relationships: Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Everyone, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Junsu, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld & Lee Minsoo, Kim Daehyun & Junsu
Series: the ahn jaewon angst/whump channel [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1884922
Comments: 1
Kudos: 56





	fuck integrity

**Author's Note:**

> Who am I?  
> Not your reason.  
> Not your future.  
> Not your comfort.
> 
> I watched Obama's speech today hehe are you proud of me :))) also happy birthday John Deacon, "born on august the 19th 1951" ass.

“Good work,  **Wyld** ,” The CEO smiles mirthlessly, “You’re learning.”

Of course he’d say that. A photo had been released to the media, of what seemed to be me slapping a woman. They had a field day in creating a story to attach to the image, something about how she refused to sleep with me and, ‘in a fit of rage’, I hit her. In reality, it was caught in the midst of me wrenching my arm away from her grasp after she began getting a bit too close on the train. Oh, how they twisted the truth.

“Thanks to this photo, MAYHEM is being talked about everywhere, even internationally!”

When he turned to see my frown and downcast gaze, he continued scornfully, “You look upset. Do you not realize how much this is helping MAYHEM? Must I remind you that MAYHEM owes me? Who matters more,  **Wyld** ? You, or them?”

If It had been a few weeks back, my answer would have been the same every time. It was always them. But now, I’m not as sure. After all this time, all this suffering I’ve been going through, and for what? I receive harassment from our fans daily, and the other members don’t even appreciate what I’m doing, because they don’t know!

Rage boils in my veins as I trudge home under the dark blanket of the night. This CEO of High Class Entertainment, this bastard. Every time I hope that he might let me have some breathing room, that he’d let me at least remember who  _ Jaewon  _ is without being consumed by the concept of this person named ‘ **Wyld** ’, he goes and says stuff like this.

And our fans, MAYHEM’s fans, can’t even manage to find it in their hearts to understand that I have feelings too? They leave thousands of comments a day, destroying my self esteeming, crushing my confidence under the weight of their hate against ‘ **Wyld** ’.

Even the rest of them, Minsoo, Dongho and Daehyun. They look at me with contempt, as if I was a parasite that only dragged them down. They didn’t know, of course, but I was a big part of the reason we got famous so quickly. They don’t recognize this. They see only ‘ **Wyld** ’, the trouble making playboy that could care less about the group. I can’t even get upset, because it was true that I distanced myself, and the media always made it seem like I was that kind of person. 

I wish I could just be Jaewon again. Just Ahn Jaewon.

Upon entering our dorm, Minsoo confronts me. The silver-haired male calls me over with a stern, angry voice.

“ **Wyld** .”

I only stare at him.

“What the hell were you doing in that photo? Do you know how bad this can hurt our image? Do you? You know how many fans we’ve probably lost so far because of you? What the fuck is wrong with you?” Each word he spits with venom. Dongho watches us in silence, all while glaring at me, and Daehyun pretends he can’t hear us as he makes instant ramen in the kitchen.

“And to top it all off, you _hit_ an **_innocent_** woman, **Wyld**! You--”

A slap echoes throughout the room. Minsoo, his head turned to the side, freezes in wide eyed shock, as does Dongho. Daehyun peeks into the room. My hand stings, but it felt good, _so_ good.

“I hit a woman? You say that as if you were there. You look at me as if I am that kind of person. Has being around me for so long not been enough proof to you that I’m not ‘ **Wyld** ’? Do you really believe that image of me conjured up by the media, when you’ve got the truth right in front of you? You say that we’re losing our fan base because of me? Minsoo….” I begin chuckling, and all the rage and loneliness once buried deep manifests in the form of loose, uncontrollable laughter, “ **Half of them are** **_here_ ** **because of me** ! You think that I don’t care about MAYHEM? I’m one of the reasons MAYHEM still exists. Do you even recognize how much I’ve struggled for the past year? For you guys! And it really, really hurt, having everyone looking down on me, with no one to talk to. It still hurts… I never wanted to be ‘ **Wyld** ’, Minsoo, but it’s not about what I want. The public, the company, everyone else... No one wants Jaewon, they want ‘ **Wyld** ’. So I have to do this, for them, and for you guys. So fuck you, for not even trying to understand what the real situation is. Fuck you guys.”

It felt nice, relieving myself of such suffocating emotions. It’s not very healthy, but what’s worse? Releasing it like this a few times a year, or doing real damage after keeping it in for just a bit too long?

I walked for a little while away from our dorm. It was dark out, not exactly a good time to get into a fight with someone you live with. Maybe I’d get a motel room or something, somewhere pretty empty where there won’t be a lot of people recognizing me. 

Tears began burning my eyes, spilling over slowly, one drop after another. It was the silent kind of crying, where there’s no sobbing or wailing. It was silent, painful, sweet, easier to clean up, and to hide.

‘ _ You’re so pathetic. You really are a crybaby. _ ’

…

…

…

…

…

...

“Hey, what are you doing here?” a deep voice interrupts the comfortable silence of the night.

Jun stood behind me, and put his hand on my shoulder. I turned to look at him, just for a split second before turning back around. It was barely noticeable, but his eyes widened a fraction upon seeing my face.

“Kid, what’s with you?”

I don’t answer him. I don’t need to answer him if I don’t want to. After all, it’s better to become **Wyld** than just pretend to be him, right? I don’t need to stay to listen to him. I don’t think I could bear it either.

I ran down the street, away from the slightly concerned barista who was now fading into the distance. Maybe I am a despicable person. I’m sorry everyone.

Who am I joking? Fuck them. Fuck integrity. Fuck honesty. Fuck kindness. Fuck love. Fuck friendship. I was an idiot for ever thinking we could all be like brothers one day.

*** 

Junsu watched the red haired idol sprint away from him in confusion. Was this some kind of teenager-style tantrum he was throwing? It didn’t look like it, though. Jun was practically an expert at reading people’s emotions when he focused on it. He could tell that Jaewon was probably going through something.

Beside him, a person appears, bending over, panting and trying to catch his breath. A head of blond hair. It must be Jaewon’s group mate.

"Hey beanpole, you're Jaewon's friend, right?

“Huff...Huff… Yeah...H-Hey, did Jaewon-hyung come by here, by any chance? I can’t--”

“Yes. He was crying. He just left a minute ago.”

The blonde (Jun thinks his name was Jae or Dae or something) looks at him in horror. 

“He was what?! Oh no…”

“Why? What happened?”

Daehyun looked over to the barista, took a deep breath, and began, “Minsoo-hyung, one of our group mates, started getting really mad at him because of a...an issue.... And then Jaewon just...snapped or something. He told Minsoo-hyung that he didn’t know anything, and that none of us realized that Jaewon was a big part of the reason of our success… and that nobody wants _Jaewon_ , they only want **Wyld** …And--”

  
  


Daehyun stopped, seemingly unable to keep talking. Jun pondered for a minute. What the hell made him do such a thing, if this was true?

Daehyun, meanwhile, could only think about how he had seen the signs, but chose to ignore it all. He saw that his hyung would always frown when he thought no one was watching. He saw his sad, dark eyes. Why hadn’t he realized something was wrong?

What exactly had Jaewon been hiding from them? Why did he feel so alone, when MAYHEM was always there with him?

Daehyun asked himself this, but he knew why. The three of them weren’t necessarily kind to Jaewon anymore. They were blinded by the false image they had of him, by ‘ **Wyld** ’, the character that Jaewon was forced to play for the world. 

And nobody ever even knew.

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck integrity.  
> Fuck your pedigree.  
> Fuck your feelings.  
> Fuck your culture.
> 
> sorry for crude language guys, but hey :) at least it's here.


End file.
